Memo from the Office of the Mayor of Calebtopolis

About this Journal

Current Month

Aug. 18th, 2008 @ 05:30 pm The lesser of several evils

So I am stuck deep in financial troubles. I have to back an awful long way to trace the beginnings, but a long series of bad decisions and bad luck have landed me in the place where I am working 7 days a week most weeks, 5 of which at a job where I make more money than I ever have, and I'm still losing ground on my bills. I am even getting some very generous help with some of my student loans, but in the meantime car repairs and trouble receiving my mail seems to be making up the difference. I'm having some trouble keeping up my spirits, which is sometimes easier to do, even though disaster always seems to be looming around the corner. My Mom hits it on the head when she asks if I've ever gone a day without sometimes I needed-and of course I haven't, but it's definitely going to take something unusual to get me through the year now that all my student loans are in full swing and undeferable.

So which path would best suit my goals? Join the military and be musically out of commission for four years, declare bankruptcy and be unable to get any credit or buy a house or whatever for seven years, or wait until my credit cards go into collections and offer to settle with them... and hope that I can make even that payment. I am sure there are other options, but none of them seem to be me working diligently though my problems until I pull out with no credit damage, or some kind of great music thing happening before I run out of money... or at all at this rate.

About this Entry

Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Feb. 17th, 2008 @ 06:17 pm Dream

Current Music: The wind outside my window

I had a weird dream this morning.

I was with a large group of people around my age, and we were all in the corner of a big open space outdoors-like a park surrounded by woods. It was dark and cool like early evening, and very pleasant. Apart from windiness, it was the kind of weather I have always associated with sort of "magical" stuff (incidentally exactly the weather outside my window right now in Nashville-with the wind. I took a nap on the porch this afternoon). It's the same feeling I get from this picture:

or the color of blue on the face of the watch my sister gave me a few years ago. It's one of the reasons I love that watch so much.

This whole group of people and I started running along the side of the park. It was some kind of fun game and we were really going for it. I really love running dreams, because I can always move so easily, which I can't do in waking life.

We were moving into the woods through these big wide grassy lanes between the trees; trees which were much more like large dome-shaped bushes than pine or oak or any kind of woods like that. As we were running we came to a break in the lane to our right and all moved through it-it was clear for some reason that heading to the right of our original direction-perpendicular to the line of trees we started running beside, was the way to go.

As we were running we came to a place were the next line of trees had two breaks in them, and there was some confusion in the group about which way to go, and even though this was some kind of friendly game, it had taken on some urgency.

In the midst of the confusion, a blonde girl with large eyes yelled "It doesn't matter which way you choose! Just keep moving on!"

In the middle of turning to run in the dream, and also of waking up, I experienced a heart-wrenching longing. The kind of longing I only seem to experience when reading the end of "The Great Divorce" or "The Last Battle" or any book which has a scene that emphasizes the idea that death is the first step in the real life that is to come.

It was strange, I was really stricken with the joy of what is to come, and the pain of wanting it without having it. I cried a little and shouted out to God how much I longed to be with Him.

It was a good moment, but it was a lot more strange and erie than altogether wonderful.

It was a good moment too, because I haven't been able to make myself interested in pursuing God at all for the last several weeks, and because while life has had a lot of good moments in the fifteen months since I last posted, it has mostly been really hard; it has mostly been a constant struggle for money and motivation, and it hasn't yet produced many noticeable results for all of the effort that I've put into it. I'm really stuck in my present circumstances with no change likely for a long while.

So sometimes it's nice to have a mystical, other-worldly moment.

About this Entry

3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Nov. 13th, 2006 @ 03:22 pm (no subject)

I know that I am sometimes one of those people who complains about the state of things in America these days. I don't think I ever stoop to that level of stupidity that takes my freedoms for granted, or says things like "If (so and so) gets elected, I'm moving to North Korea." But just in case I have, and even if I haven't, I'd just like to express my appreciation for the U.S. Postal Service.

Our postal system is really good, and it's pretty cheap. The consistency of delivery is really good-extremely good in comparison to the systems that have been in place in other times and places. It helps that the civil servants who work at my local office are particularly nice and efficient, but even if they were bastards it would still be a good system.

About this Entry

2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Nov. 13th, 2006 @ 01:22 am Stranger than Fiction

Stranger than Fiction is the best movie I have seen in a long time.

(WARNING: I don't think I put any "spoiers" or inappropriate clues about this movie's plot, but if you are particularly sensitive about that sort of thing or if my praise of a good movie will set it on a pedestal which will make it "okay" for you, skip the rest of this)

I hate to be the kind of person who says that, because I usually feel a little imposed upon when someone says that to me. I also despise the joining of "I like (some dumb movie)" internet groups, and all of that sort of fan-dom, and I am a little hesitant to proclaim a movie "excellent" when I have so many movie-fan-friends, but this movie merits the risk.

I don't really go for the typical Will Ferrell movie, so I went in with few expectations; I did see Letterman interview Dustin Hoffman, which sparked some interest in my mind-although it didn't seem like the movie would be beyond the level of "Click" or "Bruce Almighty".

I started the movie giving guarded chuckles at obvious jokes.

I moved into laughing louder and more often than anyone else, and indulging in a little pride because I was pretty sure I was picking up on symbols my companions were not. "This," I thought, "is exactly the kind of comedy I enjoy-intelligent and abstract."

By the end of the movie I was being reminded why I love good books, and unashamedly crying at the beauty of this film.

Now I've hung it all out there. Well done Zach Helm and Will Ferrell.

About this Entry

6 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Oct. 23rd, 2006 @ 08:06 pm I'm not sure how I feel about the label...

...or the fact that among "famous people" I ended up on Hilary Clinton's face, but the questions were really interesting.

You are a
Social Liberal
(75% permissive)

and an...
Economic Moderate
(50% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Democrat

Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

About this Entry

3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Oct. 21st, 2006 @ 12:56 pm WORK and jobs

Current Location: Home
Current Music: Mahler's Fifth

So, I had a great week. I got to spend a whole week sort of pretending that being a producer was my job. It was really fun. A couple of girls I know each needed two-song demos by yesterday at 4pm, and the way things went, I couldn't start until Monday morning. So it was quite a rush to get things finished. I easily worked 40 hours, maybe more. The last few days were around 10 hours a piece. Getting up for the first session at 9am, working straight through tracking overdubs, editing takes, actually playing some bass parts. It was exhausting and the most satisfying thing I can remember doing. It was a little taste of what other people must get when they get their first job in the field they got a degree in, and it turns out they like it.

And beyond the time, it turns out I am really good at what I am doing. Don't be confused, I am not saying that I am on a level that I am not on. I don't deserve to be making much more than I currently am, but I have all of the necessary roots of knowledge to build on, and I am learning a lot at each try. I am finding that a Producer is really the servant of everyone else involved, even though the players and engineers submit their work to me for approval, I am responsible for providing everything they need so they can give their best performance, and of course I am a servant of the paying artist, I think most of all (when the artist allows) I am the servant of the song. I love this new revelation, and I am good at that part too...well good at the attitude, not always good about delivering things in a timely, organized fashion, but I am learning about that in big lessons.

If I had a really good song, a really good singer, really good players, a really good engineer, and a really good studio to work in, I could totally produce a hit...which of course is sort of the secret to being a good producer =).

The bad news is, I worked for 40 hours, and I made about $400 for the week. Which is a great start, but the work comes in erratically, and it's not always so much, and, well...I need money. I am just not keeping my head above water. In the same great week I got a call from some creditors, and a notice from the bank about being overdrawn.

The time has come for me to get a job. It may not sound like a big deal, but it is a bitter bitter admission. I realized yesterday that right before I graduated, I made a goal of making it six months without getting a job-until the student loans became due, and I have met that goal. With a little help from friends and credit cards, I have succeeded in not getting a job, but along with not really making quite enough, my loans add at least $500 to my monthly bills starting in November, so the time has come. I haven't caught a big break, and now I have to start paying.

You might say to yourself "This is not my beautiful house!!"...no no wait, you might say to yourself "What's the big deal Caleb, is it really going to make it so much harder for you to play gigs and what-not if you have a job?" Practically, the answer is "no". There are very few gigs that I have done in the last six months which I couldn't have done if I had a job, as long as I am willing to work late, and get up and work again early, which has not been true historically, but will be now! I have lots of friends who have played those gigs with me who have day jobs.

The real issue is that I am, at least symbolically, giving up my dream, and it always starts symbolically. Do you know how many people I have met on this journey, who either, a. gave up to get some steady income, or b. were never going to make it the first place? Ask any guitar hero in your town if he ever tried to make it big, and if so, why didn't it work, and if not, why? The answers are almost always the same. At some point, they decided it was too hard (or too "political", which means they have some kind of unpleasant personality trait, trust me, it's true), and they started looking for other kinds of jobs.

The last job I worked before heading to Nashville was building in-ground pools in Florida. We built this pool in Palm Bay for this really band-director-looking guy, who was really nice-gave us drinks and what-not. He found out I was heading to music school, and he was so excited for me. Turns out he has a Performance degree in classical Saxophone. He went inside for a while, and finally dug up his senior project from 30 years ago: an originally composed saxophone concerto, clearly a very complicated modern work, written in painstakingly good calligraphy. This guy must have spent days just writing out the fair copy, it was a beautiful record of his musical studies. It was also his only record of his musical studies. He never used his degree, ever. He got some other kind of job, and he had no idea how long it had been since he had picked up a saxophone. "What the hell is wrong with that kind of person," I asked myself?

I have a dozen stories that end that way. Even this morning, I played in a little jazz quartet at Belmont to welcome in prospective students. One of the school of music administrators I used to know asked me how it was going. "I think I need to get a job," I said. He proceeded to tell me what I am sure he thought was a quaint story of how his son ended up not working in music, but it was a crushing thing for me to hear-how his son's band, while successful in college, ended up slowly breaking up as one or two guys had to get jobs. Not encouraging.

And, of course, I have always been afraid that I was a part of the other group-the group who never even had a chance at success, and I am even still not sure that I am not in that group. Say what you will here friends-the sad truth is that I can't think of anyone who reads this who is truly qualified to tell me that I am "really that good" (mmmmmmmaybe Chris, he's getting there). I know what I printed at the top of this post, and I still believe in it for now, but it doesn't sway all doubts. Even a casual observer recently agreed that I don't carry myself like someone who "you can tell is a good player."

"it's a confidence issue Caleb," some of you have said often, and I agree, but here is the caveat: having low confidence doesn't mean that I am a good player who just doesn't believe in myself enough, it means that having low confidence keeps me from being a good player. That is a very distinct difference.

So anyway, I am not giving up on anything. In the end I still think it's the people who hang on the longest who make it-although right now I don't want to "make it" into being the regional musical director for a bunch of churches and community theaters, I want it big. And I am learning to do a little less whining and a little more working on my weaknesses, but in the meantime I have to get a job...

and that's a bitter bitter admission...

About this Entry

2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Oct. 15th, 2006 @ 07:57 pm (no subject)

So, as my sister has also lamented, I often don't know how to pray for people. If "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose," then is there really value in praying for God to relieve someone of their unpleasant circumstances?

This sort of thinking seems to often extend to much larger issues. I know that I myself have often wondered about putting energy into environmental issues, the poor, etc. Not that I ever went all the way into that sort of hole, but how do we account for helping people? Wouldn't we all hate to "fix the fix that God fixed to fix" someone?

"Perhaps I have been on the wrong end of the balance on this issue," I said to myself, even while hoping to not swing to far on the pendulum of mindset. Then I came across this:

"Of course good came from it. Is [Jesus] a beast that we can stop His path, or a leaf that we can twist His shape? Whatever you do, He will make good of it. But not the good He had prepared for you if you had obeyed Him. That is lost forever. The first King and first Mother of our world did the forbidden thing; and He brought good of it in the end. But what they did was not good; and what they lost we have not seen. And there were some to whom no good came nor will ever come."

-(Yeah it's from Perelandra, get over it)

So I take several things from this:
While there is, perhaps, death in self effort, there is clearly reward for making good decisions. Where does the line get drawn between "self effort is death" and "every decision is a life and death decision." It seems like a small thing, sometimes, when I am faced with temptation, even if it is temptation on such a strong level that it is like a physical addiction, if I decided to scramble for every length of rope to cling to-scripture, my identity in Christ, what I really want from life, poetry, then that is a smashing victory over giving in; that is, then "the good that He had prepared for you." Somehow that makes trying to do good not the negative thing I have sometimes thought it was.

There are a few young men between 13 and 25 that I would like to show that thought to, one of them is me at any of those younger ages. The others are somewhat aware of their problem, irritated when it is brought up to them, and unlikely to agree to having their names printed here.

Praying for better circumstances for people is (as I suspected) a very worthwhile activity. I'm not saying I'm going to start praying for people more often, I think I will just be less confused about it when I do. I don't know if you or I ever considered this sort of thing an affront to God's sovereignty, but if so, consider the attitude typified by this statement made by a "brick" of a character in one of my favorite books: "You are my King. I know the difference between giving advice and taking orders. You've had my advice, and now it's the time for orders."

Perhaps there is something to the "stewardship" issue often brought up by more socially and environmentally conscious Christians. I am not sure what this means for me, but I am going to look into it. A person with less than no money can feel a little helpless sometimes. I have started investigating the issue of public schools being funded by local property taxes. It seems very unfair (fair, perhaps we can agree, is maybe not the first priority of God, but maybe should be the first priority of the public school system), how can I say that anyone can go far in America if they work hard enough, if everyone is not on equal ground in the first place?

The public school funding issue might be the only purely political issue I care about. A conversation I had a few days ago with a very politically-oriented friend helped me to realize that my new investment in the public life of America is far less a reaction to the religious involvement in politics, than a reaction to the political involvement in religion.

If I don't get something else to talk about soon, you people are probably going to stop reading this 'blog.

About this Entry

12 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Oct. 9th, 2006 @ 01:44 pm my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man

Current Mood: Ready to mount the trench wall
Current Music: Derek Webb-Mockingbird

Tags: politics , religion

Quite often I hear phrases that really boil my blood. Usually it's when people are teaching really bad ideas about God, especially to young teenagers. Since you guys are my friends here, I think you probably know this. I believe I contemplated hiring a teen-aged actor to yell obscenities at a youth pastor recently when a friend was telling me about the "little talk" that youth pastor was giving (I mean, what are they gonna do, kick the kid out? He clearly needs Jesus).

It's a little intense, however, to get an elevated heart rate from someone who I agree with. Musically, you have your Pedro the Lion, who I think I have talked about before. The band (actually one guy, who is now doing solo work?) writes really indie-rock sounding music, and he puts out lyrics like "You were to busy steering the conversation toward the lord
to hear the voice of the spirit begging you to shut the fuck up
You thought it must be the devil trying to make you go astray
Besides it couldn't have been the lord because you don't believe he talks that way"
While those lyrics are potentially shocking (though probably not to anyone here, I think that is the 3rd time I've quoted that in the 'Journal), they seem to fit pretty well with the angsty-music.

and then you have your Derek Webb...

Today I went here Free Derek Webb. When you go there Derek Webb will give you a free record, if you will give him 5 e-mail addresses.

Webb's "Mocking Bird", which is what is up on the site, is pretty amazing. He is a little more direct lyrically than Pedro, but it is set against this nice acoustic pop music-the juxtaposition is a little jarring, and perfect. Actually he is a lot more direct-SHIT, It's hard to explain, so here are some lyrics:

NEW LAW
(vs. 1)
don’t teach me about politics and government
just tell me who to vote for

don’t teach me about truth and beauty
just label my music

don’t teach me how to live like a free man
just give me a new law

(pre-chorus)
i don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy
so just bring it down from the mountain to me

(chorus)
i want a new law
i want a new law
gimme that new law

(vs. 2)
don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
i prefer a shot of grape juice

don’t teach me about loving my enemies

don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
just give me a new law

(pre-chorus/chorus)

(bridge)
what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
for one you can that cannot get you anything
do not be afraid
do not be afraid

A KING AND A KINGDOM
vs. 1)
who's your brother, who's your sister
you just walked passed him
i think you missed her
as we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'cause we married in to a family of immigrants

(chorus)
my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

(vs. 2)
there are two great lies that i’ve heard:
“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

(chorus)

(bridge)
but nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we’ve got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think

I am, in the parlance of The Big Lebowski, "calmer than you are", in appearance right now, but I am steamed. My heart rate is definitely elevated.

Derek is awesome. He is beating the American church around the ears, exactly the way I wish I could. He knows what he knows, and he has found a great way to say it. I haven't...not yet.

In the meantime I will say some things that I have been thinking, and thinking about posting here:

I am finally interested in politics. I still like to ignore it when I can. I still hate it. I still find it difficult to find the smallest piece of hard truth to stand on. But the "Religious Right" or the Church in America, or whatever you want to call it, has greatly helped me change my mind.

I registered to vote a couple of weeks ago. I probably would've registered as a Democrat, but in TN you don't register for a party. I registered so I could vote against a TN law banning gay marriage.

I'm not going to turn into one of those people who is always talking about the whole mess, and I will resist with all I have turning into the kind of person who feels for their political party like a Texan feels about his local High School football team.

Some issues are starting to look a little clearer.

I can't believe that Christianity is supposed to be so heavily political. The only time I see of Jesus mentioning with politics in the Bible, he is trying to convince people that he isn't being political. He said "pay your taxes", he didn't say "get bent out of shape about what they are spent on." He didn't try to ban Roman homosexuality. He didn't try to get the Jewish parties in power. He didn't try and keep people from working on the Sabbath, which would clearly have undermined the values that the Jewish kids interacted with and learned from.

He said a lot about people focusing on non-eternal subjects and missing the point of life.

One night I came home late, and I got to thinking about James Dobson and the things I have heard him say; how many times I have heard him imply that if I didn't personally get involved in his ideas of Christian politics that America Christians would get persecuted, that America itself would crumble. I got scared. James Dobson scares me. He scares me because he has a lot of great things to say about raising kids and getting along with your spouse, and because of that he has people's trust, and now he can insight a lot of trouble.

I got scared because I know people who have gone to Focus on the Family's year-long program for college students that gives "students a life-changing, semester-long experience that helps them develop a healthy Christian worldview and equips them to use this understanding to shape their culture. Participants receive college credit while undergoing intensive training on topics like public policy, the decline of the family and the church in society. They're also afforded opportunities to interact with renowned religious and political leaders and to complete an internship related to their future career field."

"...healthy christian worldview...shape their culture...public policy...renowned religious and political leaders..."

It literally gives me the shivers.

I am scared because I am reading "The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich", and I have seen, historically, how a people can allow a government to do outrageous things, if they are unhappy enough, or afraid enough.

I have no problem with people invading my privacy. I have some embarrassing stuff out there, but it's really not an issue for me. It can be really bad news though, when political enemies can be attacked by the state.

I do have a problem with the idea that America-the great welcomer of peoples-might end be headed back into another period of isolationism. It is actually a comforting thought to realize that the U.S. has come and gone through paranoia before, it took Pearl Harbor to pull us of it last time. And I guess if prohibition worked out, maybe I don't need to put to much energy into worrying about the gay marriage issue.

At this point, with admittedly little knowledge about what it would really mean, I would rather be a victim of terrorism, than see this country stop offering itself open to people.

I guess that is a very insensitive thing to say, but I think a few years of trying to live less for myself, and by my own power, has made me think that perhaps that should apply to nations as well as people, and that might not be true.

It crushes me to hear about violent deaths at home and abroad. It crushes me to hear about kids growing up without families here in the States. I just finally realized that white middle class America's answers don't seem to work across the board, and I guess I have now publicly shaken off the last of the ideas I took on myself when I was a Sunday School kid who took it all for granted.

LOVE IS NOT AGAINST THE LAW
politics or love
can make you blind or make you see
make you a slave or make you free
but only one does it all

and it’s giving up your life
for the ones you hate the most
it’s giving them your gown
when they’ve taken your clothes

it’s learning to admit
when you’ve had a hand in setting them up
in knocking them down

(chorus)
love is not against the law
love is not against the law

(vs. 2)
are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend

‘cause you cannot choose your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same

could you find a way
to love them both the same
to give them your name

my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

About this Entry

8 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Sep. 30th, 2006 @ 09:02 am The Score

For those of you keeping track at home the official score is: Nashville Girls 4, Caleb 0, with two mixed decisions.

About this Entry

4 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Sep. 29th, 2006 @ 03:15 pm Just a quick P.S. to that last update

This, again from Perelandra, is something that has really struck me every time I have read the book, and has become a concept I have thought about often. I meant to put it up last night, but I forgot what I was doing while I was writing. Thinking on these ideas has, I think, already helped me to enjoy life more, and lose some weight:

"Looking at a fine cluster of bubbles [this is part of the vegetation on the planet the main character is visiting] which hung above his head he thought how easy it would be to get up and plunge oneself through the whole lot of them and to feel, all at once, that magical refreshment multiplied tenfold. But he was restrained by the same sort of feeling which had restrained him over-night from tasting a second gourd. He has always disliked people who encored a favourite air in the opera-"That just spoils it" had been his comment. But this now appeared to him as a principle of far wider application and deeper moment. This itch to have things over again, as it life were a film that could be unrolled twice or even made to work backwards...was it possibly the root of all evil? No: of course the love of money was called that. But money itself-perhaps one valued it chiefly as a defense against chance, a security for being able to have things over again, a means of arresting the unrolling of the film."

Elsewhere in the trilogy Lewis has one of his characters say that worlds, much less peoples, were not designed to go on forever.

How many times have I eaten a little more of something because it just tasted good, even though it ruined the rest of my night? How often have I saved a meaningless piece of trash from a vacation in a panic because I thought I had to have a reminder. It was a great relief recently to throw a lot of that crap away, and not be hanging on to something that was stuck in a box in a closet where I never looked at or thought of it. How many irrelevant friendships have I tried to maintain despite being obviously past their expiration date (of course relationships might deserve more consideration). Don't even get me started on how important it was to get everyone to sign my yearbook, and now I have a record of what people thought of a guy named Caleb Mundy who has since died and been reborn as me. Life is too short for me to spend it trying to hold on to these bits of the past, and eternity too long for this part of my existence to be so valuable.

In that light, I think I could make it as one of those people who has to leave everything they know and set out for a new place. Like immigrants who leave their whole family and community behind, but make a new life with new friends somewhere else. It would be hard-it already has been, but well worth it. I even hope that I will be able to extend this thinking to dogs without too much difficulty...

The Latin teacher at Belmont wrote me an e-mail inviting me to come to her office, so she could give me some books and talk me through some ideas about starting to study on my own!

I am also adding the king's speech at Harfleur' from Henry V to my memorization list...and maybe The Shooting of Dan McGrew

Hurray for grammar:

toothpastefordinner.com

About this Entry

10 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Sep. 28th, 2006 @ 11:57 pm (no subject)

Current Location: Little Rock Arkansas

I don't have enough energy to really get into me right now. It's all the same, really. "Same shit different day," as people in jobs they hate say to each other. Even if life is a grand and glorious struggle-some days it's just sentry duty, and digging the new officer's latrines.

Here are a few thoughts and what-nots that I have experienced in the last few days, and since I don't really have a purpose for them right now, I thought I'd stick them up here so I could have some kind of record of them. I guess I have to admit that I am posting an ABM-style journal entry, and therefore retract my controversial comment to her post many months ago ;-).

-I would give a lot of money to be able to sing and play guitar and/or piano well enough to just sit around and entertain myself in a crowd. I am in Arkansas right now, backing up a singer/songwriter who is in the other room writing a song, and he sounds fantastic-he has a great voice and sense of melody. I would get a lot of pleasure out of that. I know other people envy the musical talent and skills that I have, but as C. Montomery Burns once said "...yes, but I'd give it all up for a little more."

-"Better to live in a corner of a roof than to live with a contentious career." I said that last night. This has been a fun little trip, and I am pretty proud of myself for the level of wit I have put out. My intelligence is a real source of concern for me. It's either "I am I really smart?" or "Damn! I am sooooo smart...is it okay for me to think that?" I think it's starting to get worked out. My main thrust right now is learning to be myself, and at some point it has to be okay for me to enjoy having some gifting with words and ideas. I am afraid arrogance may always be waiting to ruin me.

-"Esse Quam Videri" is now tattooed on my left wrist. It means "To be, not to seem". That is sort of the title of this season's "State of the Caleb address". So after the fact I thought "I wonder where that is from" (I know, a little late). Turns out it is from Cicero's famous essay on friendship; 'De amiticia'. For the first time in my life I am thinking about learning Latin, and once again am thinking that someday I might get a Masters Degree somewhere in English or History or the Humanities.

-"My fear was now of another kind. I felt sure that the creature was what we call 'good,' but I wasn't sure whether I liked 'goodness' so much as I had supposed. This is a very terrible experience. As long as what you are afraid of is something evil, you may still hope that the good may come to your rescue. But suppose you struggle through to the good and find that it is also dreadful? How if food itself turns out to be the very thing you can't eat, and your very comforter the person who makes you uncomfortable? Then, indeed, there is no rescue possible; the last card has been played. For a second or two I was nearly in that condition. Here at last was a bit of that world from beyond the world, which I had always supposed that I loved and desired, breaking through and appearing to my senses : and I didn't like it, I wanted it to go away. I wanted every possible gulf, curtain, blanket, and barrier to be placed between it and me. But I did not fall quite into that gulf. Oddly enough my very sense of helplessness saved me and steadied me. For now I was quite obviously "drawn in" the next decision did not lie with me."

That's from the first chapter of "Perelandra". I continue to hate being one of the millions of people in love with C.S. Lewis, and I continue to wonder if I get too much of my theology from his thoughts, but I can't deny the inescapable appeal his work has for me (I am reading the space trilogy for at least the 6th time, I don't think I could count how many times I have heard or read the entire Narnia Chronicles), and the fact that his fiction illuminates more to me than his, or anyone else's books and essays of a more direct style.

-I am realizing, as I am reading more and playing for more worship services, that modern praise and worship just really isn't doing it for me right now. After the supreme elation of reading Milton-the way he paints the praise of the whole congregation of heaven for Jesus as He offers himself up to be sacrificed, and to God for His goodness and wisdom, singing "How great is our God" or "You are Holy" just doesn't seem significant. I guess I am really leaning more towards "God as King", than "God as tender Father" right now, but unless it's at least as grand as "All Creatures of our God and King" ("All Creatures" is not even quite enough to me right now), then I am just going to lean back into my bass parts and trust the worship leader to be "in the moment". I am finally being able to be content to play and realize that finding myself in the (apparent) minority of people whose greatest times of worship comes when reading alone, doesn't invalidate anyone.

-My cell phone's calendar is getting full of little notes that I write myself to make sure I don't forget them. Usually it's like "Call so-and-so", but sometimes it's thoughts I don't want to forget. I haven't had much use for those yet, but here is one that came to me one day: "My parents named me Caleb so I would be bold and faithful; they named
me Nathanael so I would be 'a man in whom there is no guile.' God gave
them those names so I would be broken because I am a traitor, coward,
and liar. Praise be to God for how He will have me fulfill the
prophecy of my name."

-I am thinking about getting "BOLD" and "FAITHFUL" tattooed on my chest in big block letters.

-I wonder what St. Paul would have to say about me putting "Same shit different day" and "Praise be to God" in the same LJ entry?

-I think I am going to memorize John 5:30-"By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me." and John 6:28-29-"Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?" Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” I know what the verses say, and I am always trying to remember where they are so I can tell people about them. Like "Teaching your law/works system is ruining people's lives. Consider these verses." Or, you know, something polite and useful.

-I am also going to try and memorize Tennyson's "Ulysses". Because that is a lot of who I am trying to be, and I often get the urge to say something loud and dramatic in large crowds; I've got the loud down, I just need the dramatic...plus I like boats.

About this Entry

7 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Sep. 14th, 2006 @ 07:34 pm R.I.P. Ann Richards

"...After all, Ginger Rodgers did everything Fred Astaire did; she just did it backwards and in high heels."
-Ann Richards commenting on women in politics

I think I wish I would've known her, even though I am pretty uninterested in politics. She died yesterday of cancer.

About this Entry

2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Sep. 13th, 2006 @ 04:20 pm Christian stuff

Current Location: home
Current Mood: Calming Down
Current Music: assigned worship CD

Here are some Chambers quotes that are purely for me. I just read them in the bathroom after having a little panic session because of the somewhat mysterious health problems I am having, and the embarrassingly un-mysterious financial problems I am faced with. It was kind of neat to just flip some pages and come up on this stuff.

What I don't want is: 1. anyone to try and get something out of them who doesn't. There is sometimes nothing less impacting to me than a quote that impacted someone else, and I can get frustrated not getting a big light bulb...Jessica. 2. To get a concerned phone call from Mom and Dad. I am having some worries, but I am looking to see what God wants me to do, and I think the time may have come for me to stop borrowing money from you. The time may have come for me to cancel my cell phone and declare bankruptcy or get some kind of factory job...or borrow more money from my parents, but I am waiting to see. No offense, but this one is just expression.

"(Fretting) always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way. Our Lord never worried because He was not out to realize His own ideas."

"God gives us the vision , then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we will have patience...God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods. ...until He can trust us with the veritable reality."

I think God may be getting me involved in a local church in a very sneaky way-through playing in the worship band, and having some people around who love me a little too much, and won't leave me alone. I am interested to see how that will go.

I am really enjoying spending some time with the college/young adult ministry leader. He tends to say things like "I think your tent-making music career will make you millions while you do youth ministry on the side." and "you'll be thinking of those kids while you walk across the stage to collect your grammy."

He is also making a lot of headway towards reconciling me with worship services. He says "You don't need to be asking yourself what is wrong with you when you are in that setting, you need to be realizing that God made you the way you are, and know that He loves the way you express yourself."

...also I just realized that the tattoo on my left wrist will not tell me what time it is.

About this Entry

1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Sep. 1st, 2006 @ 12:35 pm Once again...

Current Location: My desk
Current Music: Jonatha Brooke (she's awesome)

Another e-mail sent out to a friend of mine, edited down a little. It took me a really long time to put this out, and I think it outlines some of beliefs pretty well.

When I was about to graduate from high school, I was slowly starting to realize that I really didn't like who I was. I hate to use awful, shitty, "Christian-y" phrases, but I was "totally living for myself".

My whole school persona was based on being the coolest guy in my circle (even if that was the band!), and being the sharpest guy around when it came to put downs and keeping on top of people. In retrospect I spent most of my social time in a manic state: constantly feeling high and jumping around yelling out "zingers" and all of that.

Alone I was feeling very empty and pretty much like a Christian hiding as a secular person. I felt like a complete fraud, and I was starting to think that not being a fraud was going to cost me more than I was willing to give up-being seen as a carefree popular guy (instead of a preachy Christian), going to the University of Miami to study music and become famous, ect.

I know I was a very public figure at church, leading the youth band and all, but that was an even worse sham. Every Sunday night I would head over there at 3:30-usually already in a bad mood. I would have to sort through picking out songs, and dealing with moody and unskilled band members. We would rehearse and hopefully it would sound ok. I know that some nights it really did seem like worship, and I even felt like I was participating, but a lot of the time it seemed like I was supporting people who were performing for their own sake, and maybe I was one of those people. As soon as rehearsal was over I would take my cousin Jimmy and head to 7-11 to get a snack and avoid dealing with Youth Group. I usually ate away from the main group, hated the teaching time, and never really seemed to do any relational stuff in between.

This is all seen through the lens of memory, I am sure things had some more variety, and I know for a fact that some people were positively impacted by my presence. In fact, I have been amazed my whole life at people who will tell me they really saw Christ in me during a time when I felt the most worldly and the least connected to God.

That feeling of guilt for not being a "good Christian" and being a fraud increased my whole last year in high school. I spent many nights in crisis in my bed at night in a lot of anguish, worried that I was screwing my life up badly. I spent a lot of time (actually probably a couple of minutes a night) telling God that I just wanted to do it right; I just wanted to live life the way it was supposed to be lived. I really wasn't sure about anything anyone was teaching me about God and the Christian life. Even though I was getting all of this great instruction from my parents, like the Alpha series, and the VCL stuff, I just wasn't sure, and I didn't know how to sort it all through, I just wanted to find the right path and walk it.

That was a really hard time for me, but I think that was the start of my real Christian life. I (among many others around me) seem to have been put on a path to reality that few Christians find. I think you know what I mean-the difference between cookie-cutter-Sunday-school-"faith", and the real, vital, hard, dramatic reality of life. I can't really claim any credit for being on this path, except that I wanted it (and still do). I don't understand why other people don't ask for it, but I think those nights my senior year put me on my search for the real stuff.

So that spring I got into UM, but I didn't get enough money to go.Then I tried to go to Miami-Dade Community College, because it was a step into UM, but God stopped me and I ended up working construction for 9 months and then going to Phoenix for 6 months to do the VCL training with my parents, and it goes on from there.

The thing is, I still feel like a fraud a lot of the time. I swear and sometimes I drink (although I despise drunkenness). I live a pretty coarse life in a lot of ways, and I am afraid that if I don't I will turn into a soft-pansy Christian. A few weeks ago I found myself being really embarrassed about explaining my tattoo, because I was embarrassed to admit I was a Christian to some musicians.

I think I am still on the right track, but I still feel like the wrong person to be involved with any kind of ministry. I am playing for a college worship thing some weeks, and I am really glad that I completely trust the worship leader, because I otherwise I might feel like I was doing more harm than good.

Right now the right track means diving into a lot of hard stuff. I am doing some counseling, and trying to get some bass lessons from a great guy, and I am investigating ADD and Cyclothymia (a mild form of bipolar disorder) with a psychiatrist. Something is definitely "on the move" (some of you know what I mean).

I guess I am trying to let you know that it's okay to feel like the wrong person to be used by God, but that sounds soooooooooo trite and unhelpful, and there is nothing I hate more than being trite.

The longer I have been out of high school, the more I have realized how hard life really is. People always said, "life is hard", and I was always thinking "yeah, but it won't be for me, or at least it won't be that bad, because I'm not going to make a lot of stupid mistakes." But it turns out that regular life is really hard on it's own, even without major tragedy or really stupid mistakes.

It's hard to continually be putting energy into my work and my calling, to be improving, to be looking for new ways to be creative, and it's especially hard to follow through with things that I start.

It's really hard to maintain relationships, to call people and spend time with them when I can just be alone or spend time with the easy and convenient friends.

It's hard to be constantly changing, and leaving things behind, it's hard to see friends get confused about life or fail or reconsider their beliefs or abandon their family.

It's hard to keep feeling like I am missing the mark, to keep wondering when I am going to put it together with God, and feel like I am spending regular quality time from Him, and "hearing" from Him in a more concrete way.

It's really hard to know the truth about life-even in an increasingly vague way (not like a pluralist-vagueness, but once I get beyond who God is...sort of...and who I am in Him...sort of...then all the peripheral things get less and less clear)-and live in a world where so few other people see it...even Christians it seems like sometimes.

But it is a good kind of hard...no it's a great kind of hard. Isn't it better to be fighting a life and death struggle for real life-bleeding, sliding in the mud, watching friends go down, crying with frustration-than to sail easily in the wrong direction?

If you read good stuff, I think you know what I am talking about. I don't really get it yet (especially deep down), but I am starting to think that it's everyday life that is the grand romantic battle. It's so hard to shake off the cheap thrills of pop-culture depictions of epic struggle, but it's my fight to find the reality in the universe, and in me. After all, even St.Paul said that he didn't consider himself worthy to judge himself; only God knew enough and had the judgment to declare who Paul was.

And when it comes to life decisions, I often go back to something my Dad told me (it can be hard sometimes to get him with his ADD and everything to focus down and say something real, but when he does it's awesome), he said "Say to God, 'God, I think you want me to head in this direction, so I am going to head in that direction, and if you want me to do something else, then You tell me and I'll do something else.'"

Also, while I was writing this I got a call from the band, I didn't get the bass spot. I am kind of relieved. The producer seemed like he really thought I did a good job with the audition, and he said I got down to the final three bass players that they were deciding on. He said that my feel was not quite as solid as the guy who got it. He said the artist really liked my sound, and he thought I would be a great guy to hang with on a tour. I am a little relieved, and maybe a little disappointed. If I had gotten the gig I wouldn't have had to worry about money for at least the next 6 months. Now I am back to not knowing where October's rent is coming from, and wondering if I am ever going to be able to pay off my student loans, or get rid of my credit card debt....stupid living by faith.

P.S. everyone should read 'The Kite Runner'. It's the first Afghani novel written in English, and I thought it was great.

About this Entry

9 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Aug. 30th, 2006 @ 04:53 pm Satisfaction

Current Location: Home
Current Mood:

content
Current Music: Simpsons

So I had an audition today for a band called No More Kings it went well. It has some potential to be a really big deal. I don't really care if I get the gig, but it is so nice to be satisfied by the job I did. I didn't play perfectly, but I played pretty well, and the house drummer asked me for my number, which means it felt pretty good to him too.

I have really had a hard time feeling good about life and my accomplishments, so this is really nice. Especially since I learned all the tunes today, even though I've had them for a week and a half. Maybe Brandon is right, I shouldn't worry about working in a daily disciplined manner if I get results. I mean I did graduate with pretty good grades, and I never worked hard in a daily disciplined way in school.

About this Entry

3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jul. 29th, 2006 @ 01:18 pm The life of C

Current Location: At the desk of me
Current Music: the hum of my computer fan, and the refrigereator

So...

It's been 4 months or so since my last life-update. Sorry about that.

Yes, I did pull off my senior recital, it went just well enough for me to be happy with it, although not so good that I was ecstatic. My playing was passable, my tone was not. On the plus side, everyone's tone sounds awful in the hall. My band was good...mostly. So yeah, that happened. I only mention it because the last post I put out I was really worried about getting started on the recital work.

Also, I graduated from Belmont. Yes it happened, and here I am, with a college diploma somewhere on my floor under a pile of something where I left it when I got home from the ceremony. I am having some trouble feeling like it's worth a lot. I am really glad that I struggled through the classes that were hard, and finished a major task, but I am glad about those things for their own sake, and not for the result. I also graduated magna cum laude, but I am even less impressed with that. I almost wish that I had stayed out with friends a lot more, and just barely passed, because I think my knowledge would be in a similar place. I never got below an 'A' in a gen. ed. class. I should've been getting B minuses eh? But that's ok. If I end up doing grad school in London (which I am thinking about in a vague sort of way), then I will be very thankful for my GPA, because I have read that many schools in England require not entrance exam of any kind, as long as the grades are there from undergraduate work.

So here is the main portion of the update coming up. It's based on an e-mail I was writing to my Uncle. As I was finishing the e-mail, I realized that it pretty much covered everything from life right, if not quite as deeply as I intended to do in a LJ update. So here it is:

Things are going very well here in Nashville. So far I have avoided getting a day job, and I
am just making enough money to live from playing. Sometimes it is hard to keep
perspective on how amazing it is to be making a living as a player, because I am not doing
high-profile work, and many of my friends are, but it really is amazing. I keep hearing from
people that many musicians with much more experience that me are having to get day jobs
to supplement their incomes. I think my versatility continues to be my greatest asset. I am
not really a great jazz player, or an experienced country player, or the most committed rock
player, but I can do all of those things pretty well, and certainly well enough to get paid.

I am currently playing for a 6 week run at a local dinner theater-I've done a couple of shows
there while in school. It's going well, but it is a show called 'Johnny Guitar' which is very
new, and very very very off-Broadway. It has some great moments, but it makes me realize
why classic shows are classic.

I thing it is pretty obvious that I am going to make it in the business, now my main goal is
to work on being happy and satisfied wherever I go. This has been more of a challenge
than I thought. Somewhere along the way in life I became something of a hard-pushing
driven-for-success type of person, which I never expected. The current result is that I can't
seem to stop and enjoy the rewards of my efforts (like graduating from college) and move
straight on to worrying about the next level of achievement. I really don't want to live like
that, so I am hoping that realizing that is God's way of moving me along towards a different
view of life.

...aaaaaand back to the "live" livejournal entry. So anyway I have been out of school for two and a half months, and I have already contemplated moving away to a new place to see if things would work better there (NY, or more likely, London), and considered getting a day job to really start working away at my debt (which isn't really due until November). But I think any of those things would be a mistake, in fact I think they might actually be wrong things to do. Here's why I think this:

1. From a worldly, career perspective, I am doing really well here. I know people in many different places, and some of those people are even doing their best to get me better work in music. I have a couple of upcoming country gigs that have potential to pay really well, one of them holds some promise of real studio work (song-writing demo stuff, nobody freakout, you're not gonna hear me on the radio or anything, but still it's the next step), because the artist is a signed to a song-writing deal to a publisher, and he is a studio owner. I also have a rock artist I am playing for who is looking at doing a showcase in NY this fall, and has a lot of potential to get somewhere fast.

Beyond that, my producing thing is really picking up, and I am gathering a large group of talented people who believe in me, and want to work for me on a long-term basis. Which means that I am getting really good people for very little money right now, and my stuff is sounding better than ever.

2. I am starting to think that the things I am struggling with here are the things I need to struggle with. The most obvious struggles being: a. A TON of free time. I only have about 20 hours a week that I have to be somewhere, and I am payin the bills with that. The hard part is, that a lot of my work needs to be done in the meantime. I need to be practicing, I need to be drumming up work, I need to be working on my production projects ect. With my history with the symptoms of ADD (I totally just accidentally typed ASS, HA!) and intermittent depression, I can tell you that a lot of free time is a really hard thing for me to deal with, and I think God may have chosen this time to do some work on that.

3. A letter that I asked my sister to send me, asking her to tell me what her life was like three years ago. We are very similar people, and I got a lot out of that letter. The main conflict in her life when she was my age seemed to be learning to be who she was, and do what she was designed to do, even though it seemed to go against common sense, and common opinion (there is a lot of over-simplification here, of course). That is very encouraging to me. I think that I need to just continue on course with where I think I should be headed. If I hate having a "real" job, then maybe I shouldn't be trying to force myself into one. If I were working a part time square job right now, I could possibly be taking a bite out of my debt, or saving for a new car (for those of you tracking the performance of a certain '92 Saturn, that thing is still going strong, and I can only estimate that it as well over 250,000 miles on it at this point), but I think the most important thing for me right now may be to stay the course and learn to function where I am at. The potential rewards for this investment are staggering.

Good day to you.

P.S. Even the music work is not all beer and skittles. Tonight I am playing a show at the theater until 10:30, then driving to Atlanta-four hours away. I will sleep for three hours (if I a lucky) and then get up and play a church service, then I will drive home. 8 hours of driving, 5 hours of playing, 3 hours of sleeping. I did it last week, I will do it next week. It's kind of fun though, and the pay is pretty good.

About this Entry

4 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jul. 12th, 2006 @ 11:12 am CATS

Current Music: I-tunes list on Random

We got cats. 12 weeks old. They're pretty fun. As with all kittens they are pretty much either pouncing on each other, or various inanimate objects, or sleeping curled up next to each other. They seem to do a lot of licking, like dogs. In fact Pharrell licks as pretty much his only expression of affection-except when he occasionally rolls over and over while getting his belly scratched. Jay-z is far more affectionate.

Kittens:

Jay-Z a.k.a Young H.O.V.A. a.k.a. Jigga:

Pharrell a.k.a Skateboard P:

About this Entry

4 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Mar. 6th, 2006 @ 09:59 pm Brain in pain

Current Mood:

aggravated
Current Music: Thumps and random musical murmurs

My senior recital looms and I am so very far behind. I know this feeling I am getting-the headache, the tightened chest, the squirming buttocks. I have one more huge assignment due, and I really don't want to do it. But I will, and then there won't be anymore unpleasantness of this flavor ever again, because money makes all the difference.

All I achieved today was a miraculous 20 bars of transcription, a lot of money spent, and some really good quality session observing and industry-friend-making.

Meanwhile I live below elephants and surrounded by rock stars. I am not suprised that I didn't get much work done tonight.

Mornings are getting harder, but they are the only time I can work.

The Subway Buffalo Chicken Melt is pretty good.

Being ignored isn't, even if it's all in my head.

About this Entry

1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Jan. 29th, 2006 @ 05:58 pm Ahhhhhhhhh...

Current Mood: Satisfied
Current Music: I-tunes list on Random

It is my pleasure to be updating tonight. I have had a great weekend.

I have to say that the last couple of weeks have been a really bad flashback to last semester. I had all of these things that needed to be done -namely my Commercial Showcase chart (I am now intimately familiar with "I'm Every Woman")-and once again I found myself not getting things done, going to bed full of guilt, and not wanting to get up in the morning.

Several days ago I started some new ways to combat these problems. The main thing I did was to make an appointment with Carol Johnson at school. She is the Web Administrator for the School or Music and also teaches Saxophone and a few other classes. She is also Canadian and a very organized person. We sat down and planned out my whole week, and it has made all of the difference.

I think this was really the thing I was lacking in my weeks of trouble. It always seemed like I had nothing to get up for in the mornings except more problems and school work, but Carol forced me to plan fun time along with my work, and ( as I suspected) it turns out that I can get everything done during the week, and it leaves Saturday and Sunday completely free. I was amazed. I didn't even get close to sticking to my schedule this week, because I was still mired in try to get to work on my chart and inventing ways to avoid it, but now things seem to be on track.

Yesterday morning I got up around 8...and then screwed around until 9 like always, but then I got a good start on my Showcase chart. At 9:45 I got ready and went to play racquetballl with a friend for about an hour, which was really great. I went home and got cleaned up and worked on my chart until 2, when my partner and I met with the guy was putting our chart into Finale ( a computer program for publishing music) for us. I finished up the chart, and we ironed out all of the details. I can't tell you how good it feels to have that chart done; I have been worried about it since Thanksgiving when it was assigned. I hung around Saturday afternoon until the show I played that night with The Stateside Menace -the band I am in with B and Dan. The show went pretty well.

This morning I got up around noon and hung around. I washed every dish in the house and dried them all and put them away. I had a short rehearsal for a class I am playing in on Tuesday. Then, seeing as how today was one of the nicest Nashville afternoons I have seen in a long time
(a perfectly clear day with a high in the upper 60's and a nice breeze) I lit up one of the fine cigars my good friend Dan bought me for Christmas, took a chair outside and smoked and read the first few chapters of 'The Voyage of the Dawn Treader) until it was too dark to read.

Now there is a sausage frying in some apple juice in the kitchen, and I am looking forward to a night of quality fox programming, and then maybe a little practice before bed (but only if I want to since I'm not scheduled to do any work today).

I still have a ton of recital work to do, and my cigar left me a little light-headed, but things are really looking up. I know better than to think my problems are over, but they have been made a lot easier. Thanks to Carol Johnson and some regular exercise for my great weekend!

About this Entry

1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link

Recent Entries \| Archive \| Friends \| User Info \| Previous 20 \| Top

Memo from the Office of the Mayor of Calebtopolis

Bad Sci-fi and Hip-hop since 2005!

Advertisement